Destill the life that's inside of me.

i am the girl you know can't look you in the eye
i am the girl you know so sick i can not try
i am the one you want can't look you in the eye
i am the girl you know i lie and lie and lie
i'm miss world
somebody kill me kill me pills
no one cares my friends, my friends
i'm miss world
watch me break and watch me burn
no one is listening my friends

ok everyone my new username is elliottsmith_
(thanks erin)
i'll add everyone to my friends just make sure you add me back
i dont think i'll be writing in here anymore.

nevermind. to much work. unless i think of a good name
(i'm to lazy to think of a username)
so i'll just keep this one until i think or someone thinks of a good name.

maybe i'll make a new username...

snowday
not like that effects me in anyway.
i might have to babysit later, if my mom decides to come pick me up.
if she doesn't i'll probably go to ians or something.
i have the urge to get fucked up, but i won't.
i keep eating when im not even hungry and it's pissing me off. i used to do this when i was in elementry school, thats why i was so big, and now i'm doing it again.
i had a dream last night that i was sniffing coke.//just thought i'd share//

it's funny. i finally realized that i never had friends at all. oh well. fuck you.
(go ahead bitch kick my ass...)

well today i'm supposed to go to the police so they can get my finger prints and take a picture of me so i have a fucking police record. but they cancelled it because of bad weather. which is fine with me.

i got my hair cut...i'll take a picture of it later when i get out of the shower.

my week sucked. i didn't really do anything. i hung out with my brothers a lot though.

i'm gonna forget about my friends from ahs. because i hate a lot of them anyways.

if or when i go back to school i better not here "oh thats so stupid you should no better r u trying to kill yourself? act your age.." i already no all of that shit and if i hear it one more time i'm gonna get pissed.
cassie i'm not allowed to use the phone so you wouldn't be able to call me anyways and also don't do anything to ian. hes my friend. iv'e known him forever. he never did anything wrong. i don't know why you hate him so much.

i can already feel that goddamn anger building up.

it won't give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head

i should have said this rigth when i came back


i am sorry everyone. for what i put you through.something could have happened to all of you. i am happy everyone is okay. i was stupid. very stupid for handing out the pills. i wish amy never got locked up. i should have been the only one. i was the one that gave them to you guys. i should be the one that takes the blame. so i hope you can forgive me. i don't know what happened that day at all. i remember going to my first class. and then liz and steve saying there going to bring me to the nurse (at least i think it was them) then the nurse asked me who took the pills. i said i wasn't saying any names but they said i would get arrested right there so i had to say names. the only people i said was jackie danielle and amy. i feel bad for ratting them out. it was wrong. i should have just chosen to get arrested. i just talked to jackie on the phone and she said that she was acting crazy in her class and being really loud. i wish i could take all that back. i hate it. i'm sorry

VERY FUCKING SORRY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ALL AND IF ANY OF YOU GOT HURT I WOULD BE KILLED.

well i have to talk to the cops tomorrow about what happened. today i'm supposed to be getting a lawyer. i had no idea what i did was this serious. i could be going to jail.


it's easy to say that i am fucking scared out of my mind.

i dont think i'll be able to go back to ahs. i got expelled but there having a meeting soon to say whether or not i can go back.


i'm pissed


i made a huge mistake/i want to fix it but i can't/i'll never be able to stop using drugs.

i'm home.
everything's okay
i'm fucking home

i learned two things thing at that psyc ward.

1) chill on the drugs
2) i'm not tolerating anybodies bullshit.

my mom took away aim
im not supposed to be on livejournal
my email is englandceox@yahoo.com

my mom
my fucking mom
im going to kill her
i am seriously going to kill her
i need to get the fuck out of this house
i'm losing it i really am
and i'm about to leave this fucking house and not come back.


i have no where to go.

yeah well im hungry

i won't let this build up inside of me.


ok so i don't have to go to syracuse tomorrow
but i have to go to my brothers house at 9am because "i can't be trusted"

friday: guess what

me ian andi and sean almost got arrested yesterday
we were smoking infront of out neighbors house
and they called the fucking cops
so yeah then ians mom came up right when the cop was yelling at andi (god bless you sue)
so she took me and ian home and sean and andi had to stay with the cop (as i was leaving a second cop came and it was the guy who yelled at me for stealing)
so sue dropped ian off
and followed me to my house and she told my mom what happened
so now as you can tell i'm in deep shit
and i'm scared

ok thats it.

saturday: did nothing...watched my nieces.

i might have to go syracuse tomorrow.

if i could just hear your pretty voice, i don't think i need to see at all.


yeah i feel like updating again.
um
what can i possibly say without "offending" somebody.
if any of you want to go to that party with me tell me because i really don't feel like going by myself.

i remember when i was little things were so much better
id hang out with my brothers (who actually wanted to hang out with me)
i mean its nice no because im older now and they dnt have to hide anything from me
except my brother eamonn doesn't understand hes the youngest out of my brothers (22) and he doesnt let me do anything with him (as in drinking)
i really hope mikes going to be home this weekend
1. i want to wish him happy birthday
2. i want to get messed up

anybody else want to talk shit about me in there livejournal? OK I FUCKED UP I KNOW I DID I GET THE FUCKING PICTURE IT IS NO BODY ELSES BUSINESS BUT ALL YOU PEOPLE KEEP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY BUT FUCK YOU GUYS! IF YOU WANT TO TALK SHIT ABOUT ME THEN SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE JUST LIKE BRIDGET SAID. IF I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY I SHOULD SAY IT TO HER FACE. IF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME THEN SAY IT TO MY GODDAMN FACE NOT ON LIVEJOURNAL.

ok well anyways
tomorrow idk whats going on im gonna try and go to the mall. theres some huge party maybe i'll go.


the funny thing was i thought i had more friends then i do.
but most of you are all fucking assholes.

today my mom woke me up at 5am to unload the fucking dishwasher. i was pissed. but then again i wasnt because i love waking up and then being able to fall back asleep.
then in school uh nothing really happened. there was like 2 fights one in 1st lunch and one in 2nd lunch and idk maybe one in 3rd lunch
i decided:
i am going to get 70's and 80's on my next report card in chem.
i'll pass the regents
and get the fuck out of that class.
same with math, i can't fail it again.
i have a 36 in chem. a fucking 36
and a 36 in math
i got a 77 last time.
ugh i hate school with a passion,

whoevers leaving anonymous comments can you please tell me who you are. or confront me in school? because it's getting annoying. im not mad its just anonymous comments leave me wondering and i dont like that.

i just watched the secret window. i love that movie so much.

tomorrow idk whats going on. i havnt done anything this week. i have rehab. im staying after school for art. hopefully my weekend will be a satisfying one. (not like last but close to that)

all this sunny weather makes me in a better mood, until i come home.
then looking at the sky makes me happy too. idk why, it sounds pretty fucking stupid. i just love that fact that im looking at the sky and so many other people r looking at the same thing.

today consisted of me going to school, getting yelled at, coming home, going to rehab, getting yelled at, doing my homework, getting yelled at, went to the store with my brother, came home, got yelled at.

blow is the greatest movie
so is the secret window



i want to move into somebodys appartment, like mike's or something. or somebody old enough. because i can't live in my house anymore.
and the sad thing is..i don't have it that bad...i just get angry to easily.--and i hate my mom--